Day 9: July 15 – The Alaska Railroad to Denali

Long story short... We took the train from Anchorage to Denali and saw lots of cool shizz. See the photos HERE. The End.

Now, for the rest of the story…Dave-asized… In a nutshell, I’ve noticed that people suck. It might be the ever-present pessimist in me, but people suck and I hate them. Here are just a few examples of how/why people suck:

• Some Methuselah looking gentleman with a sweet front to back comb over, decided that the queue in which we were patiently waiting was merely an obstacle for him to traverse and went around it to saunter up to the window John Wayne style. I decided then and there that he sucked and that I hated him.
• Once the train got moving, I spent 95% of the time outside on the observation deck, which most folks thought was too cold, thus they spent 95% of their time inside. And that’s fine if that’s your preference. I want to be outside as much as possible in the great 49th state and breathe in as much diesel exhaust as possible as the cottonwood tree cotton thingies pelt me in the nose. Well, Methuselah’s wife, Edna, spent her .000001% out on deck only when Mt. McKinley/Denali came into view and deemed it necessary to position herself in my back pocket or hovering on my shoestrings to take her photos. Really Edna? Really? I didn’t see this 20,325 foot beast at all in 2009 due to fog, and they say only 20% of the folks who come to see it actually get to, so lay off Edna.
  
  At one point, when I was actually NOT snapping one of 573 photos, but was still taking up space at the railing where I had been standing for three hours, this 968 year-old wart on a bump on a frog on a log at the bottom of the sea had the passive-aggressive nerve to inquire, “Are you going to take a picture?” I answered sharply, “Occasionally.” That was old lady code for, “Hey sonny, move so I can use my $2,500 Canon Super Awesome Way Better Than Yours to zoom in on the booger in the left nostril of that caribou at 18,023 feet.” Lady, I ain’t playing your reindeer games and I sure as H ain’t moving my caboose, so use your x-ray eyes feature on that beeyotch to snap that shot through the hull of this rolling boat for all I care, but back away before you become an appetizer for moose at the Track Side Café. I will toss you faster than a skee ball. No lie.
• $7.49 for a bag of Doritos at the market down the mountain from our cabin. The reason...you’re in a canyon outside the entrance to Denali National Park and you need to haul your own nourishment into the park or you’ll starve and die. The closest real non-price-gouging grocery store is 10 miles away. They’ve got you and they have not yet taken ownership of souls. That’s fine. I will guffaw a bit as I watch them do their little dances in Hades. Anyone who charges $4 more for the same thing I’d get at Schnucks, sucks. Any arguments? I thought not.

There was a happy ending to our day, however. The shuttle driver my cousin, Phil, and I had on our drive through Denali in 2009 sat three tables away from us at dinner. He just retired from the shuttle driving gig, which is the disappointment of a lifetime. Now, he just walks around the park picking up trash on his own time. What a card carrying bad ass.

When we finished, I went over and told him how awe-inspiring he made the trip for us and that we’ll never forget it. After a minute or two of showering him with praise and laud, John Allen choked up and seemed to fight back tears, Dick Vermeil style. It’s cool to let someone who actually doesn’t suck know it for a change.

John Allen and Dave - June 21, 2009

Well, I’m done for evening as we have a 13-hour Denali tour scheduled for tomorrow and it’s time to have more vivid dreams about work friends riding up to me on bicycles to save me from impending earthquakes. True story.

If you made it all the way through that, your prize if that you get to see the photos HERE.