Day 14: The Smokies (continued)

Due to our lack of spotting the elusive Ursus Americanus (to the layperson, a black bear) on Day 13, we prepared ourselves to venture forth from the cabin in the woods to head back to Cades Cove early in the morn on Day 14. Certainly we would catch a glimpse in a hoosier/redneck/kickable-free environment, right? We decided to test that theory. So again we made the trek over the river and through the woods of Wears Valley to the 11-mile Ursus Americanus Highway for an anticipative viewing.

One simple four-letter word describes the culmination of that journey – FAIL. You thought I was going to use another four-letter word, huh? I did, in fact, use it at the time, but this is a family blog. I’ve come to the conclusion that the elusive Ursus Americanus is either A) a figment/lie formulated by the evil genius, backwoods-living rednecks to entice unsuspecting Yankees/tourists as a food source beyond possum and raccoon or B) said members of the animal kingdom simply abhor us and hope to make each of our attempts complete failures. At this time, I will lift a quote, and slightly changes the lyrics, from a little ditty from the cinematic masterpiece, Ted. It goes a little something like this. “F**k you black bear! You can…” I’ll stop there. This is a family blog. Needless to say, the imaginary bears of The Smokies can K my A.

After the failure, we headed in the opposite direction to Gatlinburg. Yes, that means that we would have to traverse the two-lane, tourist trap of a road through fro-yo-t-shirt town. If one perseveres through that hideous mess, the Gatlinburg entrance to the GSMNP is worth the trauma. You get to take a super cool snapshot like this:

Unfortunately, one also gets to be the personal photographer for the next 15 people in line simply by virtue of sporting the Canon Power Shot SX50 HS around stem of one’s head.

Once our original goal of spotting the non-existent black bear became moot, the new objective for the day was to head to the 90 degree angle footpath leading 6,634 feet in elevation to Clingmans Dome, the highest point in the GSMNP. Don’t let the words “½ mile paved hiking path” fool you into any false sense of security or lull you into thoughts of hiking ease. Those would be more lies perpetrated by the woods dwellers with the sole purpose of consuming your flesh. It’s a well-known fact that the Top 3 protein sources for these people are possum, raccoon and human. No lie. Those who falter on the path of death are rarely seen or heard from again.

Brother Peter said that he was out of shape and would most likely be behind us on the way up the trail of bereavement. Umm…Brother Peter…have you looked at us? We are old, rotund, protein sources whose primary exercise is lowering one’s self into one’s automobile and, the even more difficult, elevating one’s self out. Throw in 12-15 stairs per day and you’ve got us figured out. We did this same hike last year and it did nearly snuff us out, but we were determined to conquer it this year Chicago River bridge style. Two words to describe the output of that hike: Dome conquered. In the words of Ivan Drago, “I cannot be defeated.” So take that Mr. ½ Mile Trail of Hades.

Upon crossing off that bucket list item, we continued onward through the park to Cherokee, North Carolina for lunch. Cherokee is an Oconaluftee Indian Village on the Oconaluftee River. Makes sense. We wound up at Subway before heading back to Tennessee and our domicile in the woodlands. On the road back, we took a quick left turn just out of town to see the Mingus Mill, which for some reason, reminds me of Mundungus Fletcher of Harry Potter fame. Not expecting much, the Mill was quite the cool place, both literally and figuratively.

The Mill is a typical old mill building that everyone has seen somewhere at some point in their lives. Although it was a cool old building, the highlight was the Six Flags Log Flume type water supply leading to it. The temperature was at least 20 degrees cooler a mere 500 yards into the woods near the flume. It was cool as H. If you view the photos, you will agree with this assertion. So do it.

From there, we meandered back through the North Carolina and Tennessee portions of the GSMNP, waded through the trash in downtown Gatlinburg so that Julia could visit the pottery places on the 8-mile artist loop outside of town. We patronized several artist dens and made a few purchases of pottery seconds – pieces that may include multiple glaze pinholes, glaze skips, uneven glazing or the pottery being off-round – otherwise known as crap one’s eyes don’t detect, but that come with steep discounts. Woo hoo!

We left the artist loop and headed back into Pigeon Forge in search of more crafty-type things. There was a place that sells primarily cat-related items – t-shirts, magnets and a host of other kitty crap and there was even a store kitty. For some reason, my Assisi skills did not seem to affect this particular feline. I’m convinced the animal was a Jedi apprentice and was practicing the Jedi mind trick on me. This is not the feline you are looking for. The cat was not interested in me, thus, I had no interest in it…after the first time it ignored me. Whatevs cat. You only wish you were a Ding instead of a meager store cat in Pigeon Forge with a crabby owner.

The concluding stop on the day’s jaunt was a place we had passed on several occasions – a place called Goats on the Roof. Yep. Goats on the damn roof. And guess what? Goats hang out on the roof. No lie. It’s really just a genius ploy to entice the passerby to say, “Hey. There are goats on the roof. Let’s investigate this hubbub.” And it works. It’s nothing more than a souvenir shop and general store with goats on the roof. Get ‘em in the door with the goats and they’ll buy our crap. Sort of a “Field of Dreams – If you build it, they will come” type thing. While I did not partake, if one purchases a small bucket of goat foodstuffs, one places it on a little shelf and then pedals a bike to raise the bucket to the roof with the purpose of feeding said rubbish consumers. I witnessed someone take part in the goat sustenance delivery system and decided I would look like a tool…more so.

Be amused by the photos of the day by clicking HERE.