Going to California

On Friday, July 25, I went to California with Schwartz, a super awesome co-worker, to present at a conference, take in a Padres game and make a quick day jaunt to Joshua Tree National Park. Schwartz and I drove out through the desert to JT and went to "Coyote Corner," aka the Hippie Store, when we arrived. We entered the park and took in a few sights until Phil got off work and drove out to meet us.

Our trip to JT started like any other and ended with Phil and I on the National Parks Watch List and eye-to-eye with a serpent of death and maiming. LUCAS ROCK
What's Lucas Rock, you ask?

A few years ago, Phil's great friend, Lucas, died very suddenly at 28. He loved Joshua Tree probably even more than I do, so it was only fitting that his family spread his ashes there. That place has come to be known as Lucas Rock. Anytime Phil goes to JT, he hikes to that place to remember his friend. Lucas' favorite color was yellow, so it's become a tradition to lay a bouquet of yellow flowers up on the rocks in his memory. That was, until last Saturday.

THE INCIDENT REPORT
I didn't give it a thought, but Phil and Schwartz wondered aloud why the park rangers in two SUVs were staring at us as we readied for the hike. It wouldn't have been the yellow bouquet of flowers sticking out of Phil's backpack, would it? As we turned to start towards the trail, all four of the rangers approached to inquire about the flowers and explained that it's illegal to bring them into any National Park. That's when things went awry.

Phil truthfully explained his reason for being there, including the part about spreading the ashes, and that's when Ranger Rick decided to show off in front of his minions. I believe the course was titled, "How to Assert Your A-THOR-A-TIE - Eric Cartman Style." First, we were informed that the spreading of human remains at any national park is against federal law. Followed up closely was "it's also against California state law." You just can't do it. It plays havoc with the Native American vibe and sends the universe into a tizzy. Oh, it's also illegal to bring "exotic flowers" into the park. Yellow lilies will sprout like wildfire in the dry desert climate and engulf everything in their path. It's very similar to a river of molten lava - get the hell out of the way before it goes Pompeii on your ass.

With just the slightest bit of "Googling," I quickly found error with his sweeping statement - the spreading of human ashes is NOT illegal at ALL national parks. Take Hawaii Volcanoes and Yosemite National Parks, for example. They are quite accommodating of such acts so long as one has a permit. See HERE and HERE for proof. So take that Ranger Rick. However, the part about the plants is true. See HERE for proof of that one. Either way, it's probably best if those intended to enforce the laws actually were versed in them.

Since Phil chose to be honest, Ranger Rick demanded our IDs and said that he now had to fill out "incident reports" for both the flowers and the spreading of ashes. He took no notes other than passing his trainee our licenses to copy down our info. "If I find out you've been talked to about this before, I won't be happy," he told us. Sorry dude, but I have a strong feeling that the ashes scattering statute of limitations may have run out by now. You can cuff us for the exotic lilies if it makes you feel better though. Nice use of scare tactics to impress the newbies. Oh silly olive green garbed one, I watch a hell of a lot of Law and Order (all three versions). I know my rights.

Part of what he said made absolute sense, but he was such a jackass that I wanted to kick him in his ACL. He said that if "body parts" are found in the park, the Native American tribes have to be called in to research the remains. They'd probably be a bit irked to find that these particular remains are not hundreds of years old.

"Not to be morbid," he said, "but when you're cremated, it doesn't burn everything down to ashes. There's still molars in there and stuff." He actually told us that he wanted us to sweep up any remains and to carry them out of the park. Of course we got right on that one. We had a strong feeling they were going to follow us to see where the ashes were scattered years ago. They didn't, but I wouldn't have been the least bit surprised.

Long story short, we couldn't take the flowers to Lucas Rock and we heard "illegal at all national parks and the state of California" more times than miles traveled. I shall now call him Ranger Redundant. And that's all I have to say about that.

So see the pics from JT and San Diego HERE.