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I Hate Ryne Sandberg

It's true. I've always hated Ryne Sandberg...and not just because he's a Cub. Yes, that's part of the reason, but the guy is:

A) a complete jerkface and B) a moron.

I offer proof of Ryne's moronic status first with the following words from the horse's own ass, um, mouth.

"I went into spring training that first year (with the Cubs) in '82 and No. 23 was hanging up in my locker, ... I thought it was kind of an odd number. I believe I asked for 14 and (former Cubs clubhouse manager Yosh Kawano) totally turned me down and said that number's been taken and retired."

Are you kidding me, Captain Dumbass? Are you a citizen of this country? Do you, as a baseball player, know anything about your sport or its history? Especially the history of the team for which you play? You are the single dumbest ass ever to play in the Cubs organization...and that's saying something considering their roster lineage. Oh, Ryno. Your birth certificate states that you were born in 1959, so you should have technically had 23 years of living and breathing under your belt and you didn't know that you couldn't have #14? Even if you are a brain-dead toad stool, you should have at least learned about #14 by osmosis. You are dumb and I hate you.

I can understand if the common man or woman with limited to no knowledge of the sport of kings would realize that one cannot join the Cubs, ask for #14 and have it granted, especially in 1982.

For those of you not in the know, #14 belonged to Cubs Hall of Famer, Ernie Banks. Mr. Cub was was the first African-American to play for the Cubs and played there for his entire MLB career (1953-71). Ernie Banks hit 512 home runs and holds the record for most extra base hits by a Cub with 1,009. Banks also holds the team's records for games played (2,528), at-bats (9,421) and total bases (4,706). He is such a badass that I even own an Ernie Banks jersey. True.

Back to his number 14... Ryne Sandberg is so dumb that not only did he not realize that #14 belonged to Ernie Banks and not in a trillion lifetimes would his worthless buttocks be worthy of wearing it or any number divisible by 7, his feeble brain matter didn't comprehend the fact that Mr. Cub's number was retired in 1982 - the same year he made it to "The Show"- Ryno, that means that it cannot be worn by another player...ever...even your illiterate ass.

Therefore, Ryne = dumb.

Now, why does Ryne = jerkface, you ask? I offer you Exhibit B.

In 1989, a friend and I were downtown at St. Louis Centre back when it was a mall with actual stores. While walking around the third level, some middle-aged dork came up to me and told me Ryne Sandberg was in the Walgreens like I was supposed to genuflect before him and hail him as the second coming of the Christ child or something. He seemed shocked when I responded with, "So." I then noticed that he had a binder filled with baseball cards that he was getting out of a gym bag. He proceeded to pull out a stack of cards and offer me a Ryne Sandberg card if I'd take a few cards up to Ryno and ask for his autograph. I asked why he wouldn't approach Mr. Smart Guy himself and was met with, "I've already gotten him to sign some cards." I'm not sure if I felt sorry for the guy or if I just wanted to bother Ryno, but I took the cards and approached the the burro's patootie.

"Mr. Sandberg. Would you mind signing some cards for me?" I said. He said nothing. He only gave me a disgusted look as though I vomited directly into his mouth or smeared the contents of a baby diaper on his forehead. It was pure hatred and evil I witnessed from his eyes. He signed three cards and, with a look of nausea, handed them back to me without even acknowledging that I was alive. It was then that I said, "Just so you know...these aren't for me, they are for that guy over there. I really don't want your autograph." He still said nothing, looked at me in disgust and slinked off in the other direction to attend a rave with Satan. Therefore, Ryne = jerkface.

Needless to say, I hate Ryne Sandberg.

Actual photo of Harry Caray asking Ryne Sandberg why he's such a dumbass.